DAY 6 on T: perhaps it IS the T in body. OR perhaps its my cycle coming up – but last night i woke up at 2am’ish – heated of sexual arousal. it was so intense i had to get up from my bed and fetch a tube of lubricant (i’m slowly drying up due to T – even in my aroused state i was not naturally wet). i stroked myself and even had a slight enjoyment of doing so – feeling and knowing that my “dick-clit” has slightly grown. i feel as if my arousal also takes part from my ever so morphing body – w/ “dick-clit” growing, i could feel it more and enjoy touching it.

this whole transition has become such a frightening and yet enlightening experience. i am slowly beginning to understand the abstraction of nature: sex, gender, sexuality, person, life. nothing is really concrete and black and white, yet as humans we feel the need to put them in boxes and shell them into their “spaces”. even the concept of spirituality, God and dieties – all are abstract! we are all souls searching the meaning of our existence – perhaps not every one does. but i know i’ve always have as young as i could remember myself.

i wonder if the psychic was right, that this is my last soul life. would it be time for me to finally retire from earth and now serve as someone’s angel? it surely does feel comforting. and for me, it makes sense. everyday i feel closer to the CREATOR… everyday i feel the world making sense in its abstract form. i am feeling more at peace, and ready to part at any given time. even half way in my transition, i feel if nature decides to take me away now… i am ready. – i wonder is this how it feels when one is ready to part. to finally have come in peace from this world – that everything else comes secondary, as life have been lived fully already. i must say, it feels DIVINE…

Perhaps it was the same-sex news flash yesterday morning, or it was the singing uncontrolably in the car whilst driving (not even knowing the lyrics), or it was the Sun shining so lively, or the Children’s Musical play about Jesus, or it was the presence of Alberta & Chester and their exuding intimacy and love for another that rubs off an energetic surge of positivity.. OR perhaps it was surrendering all the rubbish to God, and letting hir guide me….

this feeling is about opening my heart, WIDE OPEN… and receiving LOVE, at the same time risking the possibility of exposing and being raw and vulnerable and in pain… but all in all, its about seeing the BEAUTY OF LIFE, of people, and of God’s grace. Nothing is in full perfection, and things will not go my way the way i wish it would, but to surrender, and let the cosmic takes its course ~ surely, our life’s path will cross the important roads towards our final destination ~ sometimes smooth, and often times rocky… so i better gear up, and prepare for a Rock Climbing because this feeling is so unexplainable. Granted, i’ve NEVER fallen in love before, never allowed myself to, but i reckon, this ecstatic affection is perhaps the equation of unconditional LOVE…

so life, i’m back, our love affair may have faltered early this year.. but i’m back! and i hope we keep this honeymoon stage for as long as we both can endure our love for each other and the universe!

Aloha Nui Lao!

My desire to write was so much intense then ~ i even thought i would make a living writing, formulating different words into poetic slams, into romantic poetry, into novellas… and now, i don’t even connect with you the same way we used to commune in our space of seclusion (my bed, my room)…  Sometimes i take us out on a hike, by the hills of Hollywood, and we sit there together and compose, we finish each other’s sentences, we rekindle our desires for one another, we become one.

I miss you, and i know i need to put some time aside to welcome you back.  Relationships is about give and take, and I am guilty of neglecting you.  But alas, i shall reclaim myself.  And practice makes perfect, isn’t that right?

So i welcome you back into my life, the same way i wish you welcome me back to yours…

let’s reunite, connect, and rekindle our old flames.  the passion we both had for one another… i am ready, are you?

Solitary advances
Electric Tag-team
Magic spells
Bashful whistles
Desire stashed between cracked surrender of the unknown
Magnified with lust & adoration
Conversations locked inside the head
Staging each action of an illusionary musical play with encore performances
Non-stop dialogue or is it a monologue?
Repressed vaporous consequences
If only this thing between us
Surpass the accidental brushing of the hands, arms & feet
And transform into an intentional
Dance rooted deep
Unwrapped with dripping intensity -
Halo of charming familiarity
Rhythmic motion of tangled energy
Collide – Slide
Until the “between us”
Looses the “between” and
Adjust to simply “US”.

these text messages, message boards and even emails ~ are so convenient, and yet so detached. we are becoming enslaved to technology and we don’t even know it. i remember when i used to frequent the post office, the waiting in line, the licking of the stamps, the action of making a delivery, and the reaction of receiving one.

letters are so beautiful, so simple and so poetic! ::sigh::

the pattern i’m seeing is this, whenever i start “talking” to someone… and i start sharing them to others, by the force of the universe, something would happen that either theirs or my interest for one another falters. and within days, we go back to the drawing board. this life of “being on the market” is tougher than i thought!

i’ve lost my touch! OR they are just not the right one!

i have many requirements and i am very selective with the people i become attracted to. but in the end, sometimes i just settle for less! for someone i’m not really into because the one i am into is not a possible connection.

EL: i thought she is cute, which is very much is! funny and sexy. but as we went out, and she decided to be the designated driver… her driving behavior did not agree to my “conservative” lifestyle.

SS: handsome young fella, yet communication is very minimal.

ST: someone i really like, but aparently, is deeply (because she won’t admit to others, but i’m sure she doesn’t even want to admit to herself) in love w/ her “gf” J.

sigh. this will be a very interesting year… the market place. just another journey in my life.

i’ve had this book since 2002, and its only now that i’ve forgotten the movie long enough that i’d like to read the book.  i mean, i own the dvd, but its such a strong movie that i can only watch it so many times.  its very affecting.  but this time, i’m interested in reading their story… a love story of two women in the back drop of WWII Nazi Germany.  i’m only on the 3rd chapter, and the book has so much meat… i’m eager to read this amazing story of love.

my search for love is still in strong standing.  and romance is something my soul is aching for.

<> jingle, i’m sorry, i’m so sorry… you are an amazing being, perhaps the only loyal and loving among all of us… =)  i miss you! and i’m sorry i was not there on your last breath… *tears*

it is so painful to imagine that you died alone, possibly in pain… but i know you are in the best place now… because ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN! we love you! and we’ll miss you!